


Remembering

by luckintheair04



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Jealous Sam, M/M, Sam Has Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 11:13:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7755526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckintheair04/pseuds/luckintheair04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Castiel reached for a hug, Sam hadn't planned to back away from him. He really did intend to hug him but a memory cropped up right then, and Sam found himself sitting back down. </p>
<p> “Dean and I do share a more profound bond.”</p>
<p>And Sam wished he hadn't remembered that line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembering

**Author's Note:**

> Set in Like a Virgin (06x12)

“Castiel.”

Sam paused, his eyes shut in prayer. The sense of deja vu rushed through him again as if he had done this so many times. It was unusual, since it was always Dean who called the angel. He didn't know why that was the case. 

“I’m back… So if you have a minute….” Sam said, hoping that the angel would show up. He opened his eyes and looked around and for some reason he wasn’t surprised at the lack of angel presence. It was like he was used to the angel not showing up. Again he didn't know why he felt so.

A shiver ran down him when he heard the rustling of feathers. Sam looked up in front of him to find Castiel standing there, his head tilted to the side. Sam couldn’t help get up from his seat, slightly in awe. A year and a half of being dead, the angel still managed to take his breath away with his presence.

“Sam. It’s so good to see you alive.“ 

“Yeah. You too.” Sam said, his voice in wonder at the sincere look on Castiel’s face. He saw the angel walk towards him and suddenly a conversation slid into his mind. 

_“Hello.“_

_"Hello?” Sam said disbelief._ _“Hello! Hello?"_

_"Uh, that is still the term…?”_

_“I spent all that time trying to get to you and Dean calls once and now it’s HELLO.” Sam bitched._

_“Yes…” Castiel said exasperatedly._

_“So… you like him better or something?” The hunter asked with annoyance. He almost sounded tired, wondering if it was worth having this conversation at all._

_“Dean and I do share a more profound bond.”_

_Sam felt a stab in his chest, a stab despite the whole emptiness he constantly felt inside. This was the first real emotional pain he had felt in a while._

Sam sat back down instantly, his heart thudding against his chest unable to look at the angel who had frozen his steps towards him, his arm outstretched for a hug. Sam tried to calm his breath down, cause he was slightly panting at the memory in disbelief, his heart pounding agonizingly in his chest. He blinked away the sting in his eyes. 

_Dean and I do share a more profound bond_

“Um.” Sam couldn’t look at him. “Look, I would hug you but…” He managed to sneak in a look at the angel and Castiel looked devastated with the rejection. 

_It wouldn’t mean anything._ Sam thought bitterly.

“It would be awkward.” Castiel supplied, dropping his arms dejectedly. And he was avoiding his gaze from Sam, looking clueless on what to do. 

_Dean and I do share a more profound bond_

“So crazy year, huh?” Sam managed to say without his voice cracking too much, clenching his fist at the pain he felt. He needed to let go, he thought to himself, looking dwn at his hands. He needed to focus on the actual reason he asked the angel to come. 

_Dean and I do share a more profound bond._

Sam shook his head slightly and took a deep breath to focus. He looked up at Castiel and asked his questions and he got Cas to tell him everything he missed and what he learnt doesn’t make things better at all. Far from it.

And despite Cas being clueless most of the time when it came to human emotions, he could see how distraught it was making Sam. Sam wondered if he just got better with it over time. 

“Sam." 

"You need to leave. Um, I really want to be alone right now." 

"It- You couldn’t help it." 

"I know. It doesn’t matter. I can still regret it, can’t I?” He said tightly. 

“Yes, of course. But it would not be wise to dwell on it. What matters is that you’re fine now.”

_Oh, that’s rich_. Sam thought with indignation. It didn’t matter to  _him_  whether Sam was fine when Sam first popped out of hell, praying to Castiel for answers when he didn’t know who else to go to.  

Sam looked up at him. “You should go. I’d like to get back to my case now." 

Castiel opened his mouth and closed it helplessly. 

"If you need anything, you can call me.” Cas offered and the laughter that bubbled from Sam couldn’t be helped. It seemed to have taken Castiel by surprise cause Sam usually never laughed like that. Least of all at Cas. 

“Yeah, I’ll make sure Dean gives you a call.” He spat. 

Castiel furrowed his eyebrows at the tone but his eyes blinked in understanding.

“Sam, what I said that day... the profound bond, it’s, it doesn’t…”

“I get it. It’s all good.” Sam didn’t want to hear Castiel trying spare his feelings trying to explain him as the less important brother.

He was used to it. It shouldn't have surprised him in the first place. This really wasn't a conversation worth having cause it was getting him no where. Castiel preferred Dean. No surprise there. Everyone did anyway. Sam had always struggled to make connections with people outside of his family compared to Dean, who managed to make friends with people who actually cared for him.

Castiel stood in silence as he watched Sam. “Very well. I did promise though, that I would come when you called, and I intend to keep that promise." 

Sam said nothing, making sure to watch the computer screen until the angel left. He knew he was acting a little childish but if Cas didn't leave soon, he was going to catch Sam's mask of indifference crack. But he didn’t expect fingers to grab his chin gently and raise them till his eyes met Castiel’s. 

"I do mean it Sam. Do call if you have any concerns.” The angels said, his tone surprising a lot gentler than any moment Sam had heard him talk. "I have regretted everyday since the first time I ignored your prayers and I won't let it happen again."

With that, Castiel left, but only after leaning in to graze his lips against Sam’s hairline, leaving Sam breathless and his heart beating twice as hard, twice as fast. He didn't even realize that he had closed his eyes until he opened them to see an empty room. 

This time, his heart beating hard against his chest didn't hurt. 

**Author's Note:**

> One of my submissions for Sastiel Love Week for zzzett on tumblr. Thank you for reading!


End file.
